lupogtiboy Posted January 19, 2007 Report Share Posted January 19, 2007 A Jelly Baby walks into a bar and starts talking to a smartie. After afew beers the Smartie says "Ere, a bunch of us are heading to that newclub, fancy tagging along?"The Jelly Baby says "No mate, I'm a soft centre, I always end upgetting my head kicked in."" So?", Smartie says. "Don't worry about it, I'm a bit of a hard case,I'll look after you."Jelly Baby thinks about it for a minute and says "Fair enough, as longas you'll look after me.", and off they go.After a few more beers in the club, three Lockets walk in.As soon as he sees them, Smartie hides under the table.The Lockets take one look at Jelly Baby and start kicking him, breakingcola bottles over his little jelly head, lamping him with little sugarychairs, and generally having a laugh. After a while they get bored andwalk out.Jelly Baby pulls his battered Jelly Baby body over to the table andwipes up his Jelly Baby blood.He turns to Smartie and says "I thought you were going to look afterme!""I was!" says Smartie, "But them Lockets are f***** menthol". Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Joe Posted January 19, 2007 Report Share Posted January 19, 2007 That is so bad I just had to email it round the office style="vertical-align:middle" emoid=":P" border="0" alt="tongue.gif" /> Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tigz™ Posted January 19, 2007 Report Share Posted January 19, 2007 Ive emailed it also lol Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Yellow Lupo chick Posted January 19, 2007 Report Share Posted January 19, 2007 hehehe!!Good post!!!lolxxx Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
stevewp Posted January 19, 2007 Report Share Posted January 19, 2007 Brilliant! I like it style="vertical-align:middle" emoid=":D" border="0" alt="biggrin.gif" /> Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lupogtiboy Posted January 19, 2007 Author Report Share Posted January 19, 2007 A piece of tarmac swaggers into a pub, goes up to the hardest looking piece of tarmac in the place and says "You're in my seat, what are you going to do about it?" The second piece of tarmac stands up and says "You don't want to mess with me sunshine. I'm 50pen Dense Bituminous Macadam, I'm 50,000 commercial vehicles per day, I'm M11 hard" The first piece of tarmac squares up to him and says "You're nothing you slag. I'm 50pen with modified binder and crushed aggregate, I'm 100,000 commercial vehicles per day, I'm bloomin' M25 hard, now get out of my seat" At that moment the door opens and a small piece of red tarmac walks in, and the first piece of tarmac legs it into the toilet. An hour passes and eventually the first piece of tarmac emerges, checking around that the small red piece of tarmac has gone. Seeing him, the second piece of tarmac says "What the hell happened there. You were acting the hard man and ran like a bitch when a little piece of red tarmac comes in?" and the first piece of tarmac answers "Yeah, but he's a bloomin' cycle path." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
stevewp Posted January 19, 2007 Report Share Posted January 19, 2007 (edited) Get your coat! Edited January 19, 2007 by stevewp Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LoopyLing Posted January 19, 2007 Report Share Posted January 19, 2007 ....NEXT! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Igor Posted January 19, 2007 Report Share Posted January 19, 2007 (edited) On a tour of Scotland, the Queen took a couple of days off to visit the west coast. Her Range Rover was driving along the golden sands when there was an enormous commotion. They rushed to see what it was and upon approaching the scene the Queen noticed just outside the surf, a hapless man wearing a Glasgow Rangers jersey, struggling frantically to free himself from the jaws of a 20 foot shark! At that moment a speedboat containing three men wearing Glasgow Celtic tops sped into view one of the men took aim at the shark and fired a harpoon into its ribs,immobilising it instantly. The other two reached out and pulled the Rangers fan from the water and using long clubs beat the shark to death. They bundled the bleeding, semi-conscious man into the speedboat along with the dead shark and prepared for a hasty retreat, when they heard frantic calling from the shore...... It was the Queen calling them to the beach. On reaching land the Queen went into raptures about the rescue and said, "I'll give you a knighthood for your brave actions. I heard that the people of Scotland were bigoted and trying to divide the country in two but now I see this is a truly enlightened example of tribal harmony which could serve as a model for other nations." She knighted them and drove off. As she departed the harpoonist asked the others, "Who was that?!" "That," one answered, "was the Queen. She rules Britain and knows everything about our country." "Well," the harpoonist replied, "she knows feck all about shark fishing. How's the bait holding up? Or do we need to get another one?" Edited January 19, 2007 by Igor Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
stevewp Posted January 19, 2007 Report Share Posted January 19, 2007 He he he - very good! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gargoil Posted January 19, 2007 Report Share Posted January 19, 2007 ....Scotland......west coast........golden sandsSomething wrong with that statement!!! style="vertical-align:middle" emoid=":blink:" border="0" alt="blink.gif" /> Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Igor Posted January 19, 2007 Report Share Posted January 19, 2007 Two couples had gone away for the week-end. The two guys, Jack and Bill, have decided to try to persuade their wives to have a bit of partner swapping for the night..... The guys have agreed that if they can pull off the wife swap, when they sit around the breakfast table the following morning, they will tap their teaspoon on the side of their coffee mug the number of times that they did it with each other's wives.Clever enough! After several drinks that night they succeed! Jack knows it's that time of the month for his wife and the thought of Bill not knowing this makes him smile. The next morning they are all at the breakfast table, slightly hungover and quite uncomfortable, when Jack proudly taps his teaspoon 3 times against his coffee mug. After a brief moment of thinking, Bill takes his teaspoon and taps it once on the strawberry jam and 3 times on the nutella!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
stevewp Posted January 19, 2007 Report Share Posted January 19, 2007 Best one so far! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
willcrook Posted January 19, 2007 Report Share Posted January 19, 2007 MentholCycle PathBoth very funny! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
2001gti Posted January 19, 2007 Report Share Posted January 19, 2007 O.k back to jelly babys,A jelly baby walks into the doctors and says DOCTOR DOCTOR!!! I THINK IVE GOT AIDS "aids the doctor replys"? how can you your a jelly baby?, the jelly baby replys yes but doctor you dont understand ive been sha**ing allsorts Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
moreno510 Posted January 19, 2007 Report Share Posted January 19, 2007 (edited) Something wrong with that statement!!!like how you picked up on that but the whole celtic supporters having anything to do with the queen was fineand, of course, a man in a rangers shirt would be useless bait....unless of course sharks eat ***** Edited January 19, 2007 by moreno510 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Max69vk Posted January 19, 2007 Report Share Posted January 19, 2007 A jelly baby goes to the doctors, "Doc, my c*ck stinks of liqourice""What have you been up to"? He asks,"F*cking all sorts"!I'll get my coat. style="vertical-align:middle" emoid=":lol:" border="0" alt="laugh.gif" /> Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
willcrook Posted January 19, 2007 Report Share Posted January 19, 2007 *pokes max up three posts* Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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