JOKE OF THE DAY

[gilybob]

just seen the new harry potter movie, bit unrealistic if you ask me .. i mean a ginger kid with two friends c'mon !!

[Alex_225]

Jade Goody has been portrayed by the media as a heroine for raising awareness about cervical cancer, in spite of the fact that she forgot to have a smear test.

Last year, I forgot to turn off an unlit oven before leaving for work. The ensuing explosion killed my wife and three children.

Was I portrayed by the media as a hero for raising awareness about gas safety?

Was I f**k.

Edited May 17, 2009 by Alex_225

[2001gti]

i got kicked out of the swimmin baths yesterday the 'S' had fell off my 'speedos'

[Gibbeth!]

Went out to one of the local clubs last night with a mate and his mate and I started dancing with the chicks. One of the chicks I was dancing with was a bit older than me, about 50. Which is fine.

She was pretty hot for fifty(ish!), we danced a bit, drank a bit, had a bit of a kiss & cuddle. Then she asked me if I'd ever had the sportsman's double. A mother and daughter threesome.

I said no. I mean, I've been in a threesome before, but the chicks weren't related.

We drank a bit more, had a bit more of a kiss & cuddle and then she said that tonight was my lucky night. Woohoo!!

So off we went, back to her place, I was damn near getting protein stains in my pants just thinking about it.

She put the hall light on and shouted upstairs, "Mum, are you still awake?"

[lupo_1.0]

You have to feel sorry for Ricky Hatton, Last time i saw someone get battered that badly around the ring they were found dead in Michael Barrymores pool.

[Picola]

You made me laugh..OUT LOUD! When I got that today.

The other essay was a wee bit gay though.

You suck

[little rich]

umm a really old one...

A family were driving behind an Ann Summers lorry when suddenly the roller shutter on the back of the lorry flew up and a large black dildo fell off, bounced off the road, and hit the car windscreen.

To hide embarrassment, the mother said, "My word, that was a big insect"

To which her 7 year old son in the back seat chirped up, "I'm surprised it could fly with a cock that size"

[little rich]

Man lying in bed after sex with his new thai bride. She keeps stroking his cock

He says "do you like my cock that much?"

She says"no I just miss mine"

[little rich]

whats blue and yellow that has a tight c**t attatched to it?

a lidl carrier bag

[lupo_1.0]

I heard jordan and peter andre are splitting up, bet harvey didnt see that coming.

[89james(FOX)]

A woman hase been admitted to hospital,

with a dyson hoover nozzle wedged up her fanny,

although she is in intensive care the doctors says she picking up nicely

[Picola]

Good one!!

[LiamD]

Cut and pasted...

Four friends, who hadn't seen each other in 30 years, reunited at a party.

After several drinks, one of the men had to use the rest room.

Those who remained talked about their kids.

The first guy said, 'My son is my pride and joy.He started working at a successful company at the bottom of the barrel.

He studied Economics and Business Administration and soon began to climb the corporate ladder and now he's the president of the company. He became so rich that he gave his best friend a top of the line mercedes for his birthday.'

The second guy said, 'Darn, that's terrific! My son is also my pride and joy. He started working for a big airline, then went to flight school to become a pilot. Eventually he became a partner in the company, where he owns the majority of its assets He's so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet for his birthday.'

The third man said: 'Well, that's terrific! My son studied in the best universities and became an engineer. Then he started his own construction company and is now a multimillionaire. He also gave away something very nice and expensive to his best friend for his birthday: A 30,000 square foot mansion.'

The three friends congratulated each other just as the fourth returned from the restroom and asked: 'What are all the congratulations for?'

One of the three said: 'We were talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our sons. What about your son?'

The fourth man replied: 'My son is gay and makes a living dancing as a stripper at a nightclub.'

The three friends said: 'What a shame... what a disappointment.'

The fourth man replied: 'No, I'm not ashamed. He's my son and I love him.

And he hasn't done too bad either. His birthday was two weeks ago, and he received a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion, a brand new jet and a top of the line Mercedes from his three boyfriends.

[2001gti]

lol

[gilybob]

gd 1

[lupo pete]

A man gets home from working a nightshift & decides to wake his wife by giving her oral sex.

He climbs under the bottom of the duvet gently spreads her legs & licks her pussy til she quivers & cums

all over his face.

He goes to the bathroom to clean up & finds his wife in there shaving her legs!

"WHAT THE FU*K ARE YOU DOING IN HERE" He yells.....

"Ssshhh!" she says "you'll wake your mother!"..

[Picola]

Roffles

[one litre wonder ;)]

seeing as we are hitting out with some bad jokes *rolls up sleaves*

When david beckham scores i drink a becks , when Paul Scholes scores i drink a Schol , when Alan Smith scores i drink a Smiths , thank f*ck David Seaman was a goalie

a wee boy catches his mum and dad shagging one night and asks them what they were doing. The dad says " we are making fairy cakes son , now go back to bed" and the boy ran off to bed . A few days later the wee boy came back down to breakfast and says to his dad " you were making fairy cakes again last night!" the dad looked a bit confused and asked " how did you know that " " i licked the icing off the bed"

Jim and Edna are mental patients . one day jim jumps in the pool and stays at the bottom , Edna dives in and saves him . The manager calls edna into the office and says " ive got some good news and i have got some bad news. The good news is that you are being released as you are obviously sane saving another persons life , however Jim hung himself in the bathroom " "No" edna says "thats where i put him to dry"

TV presenter Mark Spreight has been found dead by british transport police at paddington . His body was covered in paint and he had been stabbed with a pencil and a pair of scissors . Police believe that he had died of an art attack

A woman is given a hospital tour , she looks in one room and finds a man w*nking . "thats awful " she says to the doctor . He explains that the man has a condition that his testicles fill with semen so fast he has to do it atleast 5 times a day or he will be in awful pain . " poor man" says the woman . In the next room a nurse is sucking a mans penis . "explain that?" she asks the doctor . The doctor replies " same condition but hes with BUPA"

A polish woman stows away on a ship so that she can start a new life in America . 3 Weeks later she is found and brought before the captain. He asks her " what are you doing on my boat?" she says " 1 of your sailors is stowing me away to take me to america , he brings me 3 meals a day and in return for all of that i let him f*ck me every night ." the captain says " hes f*cking you alright , this is the Millport ferry!!"

Edited May 19, 2009 by one litre wonder ;)

[one litre wonder ;)]

What sparkles like a diamond and is small enough to fit in a

schoolgirl's ring?

answer: Gary Glitter

What's the difference between greyhound racing and Gary Glitter?

answer: The greyhounds wait for the hare.

gary glitter comes homes and his wife says: ''Gary i'm leaving you, it said on the news you're a peadophile''

Gary says:''peadophile? That's a big word for an 8 year old''

What is the similarity between a woman and Kentucky Fried Chicken?

A. By the time you've finished with the breast and thighs, all you have left is a greasy box to put your bone in.

When Bob was asked if he preffered legs or breats he told the stranger that actually he had a particular fondness for shaven fannies.

He was told this wasn't an option when choosing a KFC bargain bucket.

A Woman goes to the docs with a rash on her fanny. The doc has a look and then enquires how often she has sex "About twice a year" is the woman's response. The doc replies "That's not a rash. That's rust"

[one litre wonder ;)]

what has one ball and f*cks prostitutes?

Peter Sutcliffe's hammer

Elton John has released a single in aid of Jade Goody - "cancer in the minge"

Didnt know doctor evil had a sister.

[tombuttigieg]

Hitler was walking through his camp one day and came across a little girls

Hitler ask the little girl "how old are you?"

she replies "ill be 10 tomorrow"

Hitler replies "no you won't"

[one litre wonder ;)]

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem?"

Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!"

Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.

While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"

Harry: "9."

Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"

Harry: "36."

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.

The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade"

Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions."

The principal and Harry both agreed.

Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"

Harry, after a moment: "Legs."

Ms. Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"

The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!

Harry replied: "Pockets."

Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"

Harry: "Pants."

Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?"

Harry: "Coconut."

The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

Ms. Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?"

The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, "Bubble gum."

Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?"

Harry: "Shake hands."

The principal was trembling.

Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?"

Harry: "Firetruck."

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong.

[tombuttigieg]

Austrian women are like fine wine, left to mature in the cellar

[matt~black]

I'm sick of the news right now, everytime i turn it on it "Recession this" and "MPs expenses that".

I wish Gerry McCann would sell another kid, at least that was interesting

[DAS HAPPIWAGEN]

I'm sick of the news right now, everytime i turn it on it "Recession this" and "MPs expenses that".

I wish Gerry McCann would sell another kid, at least that was interesting

ooooh controversial ^^ : )

exaggerations went up a million percent last year.