little rich Posted May 20, 2009 Report Share Posted May 20, 2009 (edited) Football :Breaking news!!!"Polive have confirmed that two Premiership footballers had their houses burgled last night. Ryan Giggs lost 70 Wales caps, 11 Premiership medals, " Champons League medals, 1 European cup winners cup medal, 5 FA Cup medals, 2 League Cup medals, 2 World Club Championship medals, 8 Charity Shield medals and 1 Super Cup medal. Mean while Fernando Torres had a kettle and toaster stolen,"----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Manchester City bosses are being investigated in the expences scandal.....they have been claiming for silver polish since 1976! Edited May 20, 2009 by little rich Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
2001gti Posted May 20, 2009 Report Share Posted May 20, 2009 whats better than winning gold in the paralympics?............... Having leggs! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Clairey Fairy Posted May 20, 2009 Report Share Posted May 20, 2009 It was Freds birthday, and as per tradition he made a wish whilst blowing out his candle.He wished that he could be surrounded by minge. Everywhere he could go, he wanted to be surrounded by muff, minge etc.When he woke up in the morning, he'd turned into a Tampon. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DAS HAPPIWAGEN Posted May 21, 2009 Report Share Posted May 21, 2009 Petre Andre and Jordan were clearing out the shed, Jordan says "what do you want to do with the spade?""**** off, He's dwight yorkes problem" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
one litre wonder ;) Posted May 21, 2009 Report Share Posted May 21, 2009 whats the difference between maddie mccann and the pope?the pope died a virgin. ===================== what do maddie mccann and a bag of rocks have in common?neither float. =======================So there's this prostitute who's a massive Chelsea fan. So much so that she has pictures of Frank Lampard and John Terry tattooed on her upper thighs and offers freebies to anyone who can name them both. One guy has a good look and after much "um"-ing and "aah"-ing finally says "I'm not sure about the other two, but that one with the big lips and black curly hair is definitely Sean Wright-Philips!"======================Jose Mourhino has said he's finished with Chelsea, and wants to go back to Portugal and disappear. The McCanns have offered to help.======================Liverpool airport was shut for 8 hours today due to a 'suspicious' car. Apparently it had tax, MoT and the stereo was still in it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
one litre wonder ;) Posted May 25, 2009 Report Share Posted May 25, 2009 Young girl on a train sitting across from a old drunk. He's eating a bag of prawns and biting off the heads and spitting them at her. She throws them out the window and pulls the emergency cord. The old drunk says "You'll get fined £50 for that". The girl replies "Aye, but when I cry rape and they smell your fingers, you'll get 10 years in jail ya dirty old c*nt. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lupo pete Posted May 27, 2009 Report Share Posted May 27, 2009 Some years ago .Paddy married an attracitive woman. Maggie, half his age, in a small coastal irish community.After several months. maggie complained that she had never climaxed during sex and according to her Grandmotherall Irish women are entitled to a clamax once in a while .So.to resolve the problem, they went to see the Veterinarian since there was no trustworthy doctor anywherein the village . The Vet didn't have a clue ,but he did recall how ,during the hot summer .his mother and father would fan a cow that was having difficulty breeding with a big towel .This would cool her down and make her relax.So the Vet told them to hire a strong ,virile young man to wave a big towel over them while they were having sex.This. the Vet said, would cause the young wife to cool down ,relax then climax.So the couple hired a strong young man from Dublin to wave that Big towel over them as the Vet suggested.After many efforts ,Maggie still had not climaxed so they went back to the Vet The Vet said for her to change parters and let the young man have sex with her while Paddy waved the big towel.They tried it that night and Maggie went into wild, screeming, ear-spitting climaxes, one right after the other for about two and a half hours.When it was over , Paddy looked down at the exhausted young man and in a boasting voice said : And that me son ,is how ya waves a fukkin towel ! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
2001gti Posted May 28, 2009 Report Share Posted May 28, 2009 ^^ Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sepi Posted May 28, 2009 Report Share Posted May 28, 2009 I <3 this thread Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LethalLurch Posted May 28, 2009 Report Share Posted May 28, 2009 A man walked into a supermarket and asked an employee where the tampon isle was.The lady pointed it out and the man started walking toward it.A few minutes later the man returned with cotton swabs and string.The employee said to the man, "I thought you needed tampons?"The man simply said, "I sent my wife to get me some cigarettes yesterday and she came home with the tabacco and the paper. I had to roll my own. Today she sent me for tampons so she get's to roll her own." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gilybob Posted May 28, 2009 Author Report Share Posted May 28, 2009 A man walked into a supermarket and asked an employee where the tampon isle was.The lady pointed it out and the man started walking toward it.A few minutes later the man returned with cotton swabs and string.The employee said to the man, "I thought you needed tampons?"The man simply said, "I sent my wife to get me some cigarettes yesterday and she came home with the tabacco and the paper. I had to roll my own. Today she sent me for tampons so she get's to roll her own." chuckle ... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
leigh_harty Posted May 28, 2009 Report Share Posted May 28, 2009 a little girl and her mother walking through the park and they saw 2 teenagers having sex. "what are they doing?" asks the girl, mum says "making cakes". the next day the girl says "you and daddy were making cakes in the living room last night", "how do you know?" asks the mum, "because i licked the icing of the sofa" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Picola Posted May 28, 2009 Report Share Posted May 28, 2009 OMG! That is so good!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lupo_1.0 Posted May 29, 2009 Report Share Posted May 29, 2009 I had a terrible dream last night, so bad in fact i woke up screaming. I dreamt i had a boil on the end of my nob, but it was no ordinary boil it was Susan Boyle. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Clairey Fairy Posted May 29, 2009 Report Share Posted May 29, 2009 A nice clean political joke (and one that i actually got without having to ask anybody )Whilst standing at the Pearly Gates, a man notices a wall full of clocks behind St. Peter's head and asks:"Whats with the clocks Pete?!""Oh them? Theyre Lie-Clocks. Everyone on earth has one. The minute hand moves whenever you tell a lie"The Man notices one covered in cobwebs. "Who's is that then?""Mother Theresa. She's never told a lie in her life.""And that one?" The hand were at 20 to 2. "That's Abraham Lincoln's. Told a few lies in his lifetime, but nothing we couldnt handle.""Where's Gordon Brown's clock?" Asked the man."Gordon's clock is in Jesus' office" replied St. Peter."He's using it as a celing fan" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Picola Posted May 30, 2009 Report Share Posted May 30, 2009 Stop the press:What do you call a midget in a supermarket?Lidl Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gilybob Posted June 26, 2009 Author Report Share Posted June 26, 2009 well i woke up this morning to 10 msgs all M.J jokes ..so heres where to post them as their all floating around everywhere else at the mo lol....Whats the difference between alex ferguson and Micheal Jackson??ferguson will be playing giggs in August..... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shteee Posted June 26, 2009 Report Share Posted June 26, 2009 Reports that Michael Jackson has had a heart attack are false. He is infact in the children's ward having a stroke :lol: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lupo pete Posted June 26, 2009 Report Share Posted June 26, 2009 Micheal Jackson's last wish was to be melted down into a plastic bag,so that he can still be a danger to children.. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lupo pete Posted June 26, 2009 Report Share Posted June 26, 2009 Tickets available for the jackson 4NOW THATS BAD Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Picola Posted June 26, 2009 Report Share Posted June 26, 2009 ^ I got that early this morning (still in bed gah!) courtesy of Mr Kenzie. I didnt kno until I got up he had died, so I was a bit confused with the 'was' part of it Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
2001gti Posted June 26, 2009 Report Share Posted June 26, 2009 Micheal Jackson's last wish was to be melted down into a plastic bag,so that he can still be a danger to children.. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
2001gti Posted June 26, 2009 Report Share Posted June 26, 2009 Hundreds of dyslexic children are in tears after hearing the news that there will be no setanta this christmas! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
one litre wonder ;) Posted June 26, 2009 Report Share Posted June 26, 2009 michael jackson gets to the pearly gates and is told that he isnt getting in, god said " dont blaim it on the sunshine, dont blaim it on the moonlight , dont blaim it on the goodtimes, blaim it on the buggery"reports are coming in that michael jacksons ghost has been seen in the hospital where he passed away in the childrens unit, even in death hes still trying to put the willies up childrens backs due to the amount of sugery michael jacksons body undergone its reported that his funiral will be next week at LA's plastic recycling centre its said that michael jacksons cancer fears came from his fathers protestant background, he apparently had the "billy gene" After michael jacksons sudden death all his UK dates have been cancelled: David aged 6 , liam aged 9 , ian aged 7 with the amount of plastic in michael jacksons body, his final wish was that he was to be melted down and turned into lego, that way the children can play with him for a changeThe first two paramedics arrive at Michael jacksons house after being called, the first paramedic says what should we do? the second one says, how about the rollercoaster? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
99hjhm Posted June 26, 2009 Report Share Posted June 26, 2009 A Blonde takes her broken car to the mechanic. He tells her Nothin Serious love, just **** in the air filter. She replies "Brilliant "How often do I have to do that" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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