2001gti Posted October 12, 2009 Report Share Posted October 12, 2009 Whats Pink and goes round and round on a carousel????Steven gatley's Suitcase. . . . . . . 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Clairey Posted October 15, 2009 Report Share Posted October 15, 2009 Micheal Jackson wasn't happy when Gatley turned up at the gates, he was expecting someone from a Boys Home.. not Boyzone! 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IDGM Posted October 20, 2009 Report Share Posted October 20, 2009 From my In Box this morningThese are from a book called 'Disorder in the American Courts' and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place. ____________________________________________ ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory? WITNESS: I forget. ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot? ___________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning? WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam? _________________________ ___________ ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he? WITNESS: He's twenty, much like your IQ. ___________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken? WITNESS: Are you ****ting me? _________________________________________ ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time? WITNESS: getting laid ____________________________________________ ATTORNEY: She had three children, right? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: How many were boys? WITNESS: None. ATTORNEY: Were there any girls? WITNESS : Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney? ____________________________________________ ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated? WITNESS: By death. ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated? WITNESS: Take a guess.____________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual? WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard. ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female? WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male. _____________________________________ ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney? WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work. ______________________________________ ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people? WITNESS: All of them.. The live ones put up too much of a fight. _________________________________________ ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to? WITNESS: Oral.. _________________________________________ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time? WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished. ____________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample? WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question? ______________________________________ And the best for last: ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor? WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless? WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lupo pete Posted October 21, 2009 Report Share Posted October 21, 2009 Man goes to the doctors for c*ck extension.Doc suggests baby elephants truck stitched on for £3000.Man agrees .6 weeks later while having dinner with new woman he feelsan unusaul stirring in his pants & thinks this is the night.While chatting over dinner his c*ck flies out steals an apple off the table & goes back.Wow she says can you do that again.He says my c*ck can but i dont think my arse can take another apple. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
one litre wonder ;) Posted October 21, 2009 Report Share Posted October 21, 2009 i was just sent this one by big dave " i found out last night that my granny made a porno film back in the 70's. i dont know what disgusted me the most, the fact she made it, or the fact i carried on w*nking after i recognised her." 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
one litre wonder ;) Posted October 23, 2009 Report Share Posted October 23, 2009 Dear grim reaper, so far this year you have taken my favourite celebrity jade goody, my favourite dancer micheal jackson, my favourite actor patrick swayze, my favourite singer steven gately. Just so you know, my favourite twins are John and Edward. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lupo pete Posted November 13, 2009 Report Share Posted November 13, 2009 Steven woke up with a killer hangover after attending his firm's Christmas Party. He didn't even remember how he got home. It's 8.30. What day is it? Thursday. His wife must have gone to work. As he struggled into consciousness through the fog of a pounding headache, his stomach plummeted as he wondered what the hell he did last night. He forced himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he saw was a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a little vase of sweet peas, freshly picked from the garden. He sat up. The bedroom was clean and tidy, - there was no trail of drunkenly abandoned clothes, fresh air was coming in through the window and all was serene. He stumbled to the bathroom, also pristine, and, squinting gingerly into the mirror, saw that he had a black eye. This was not a good sign, but no memories were returning. As he concentrated hard on getting the world into focus, he saw a post-it note stuck on the corner of the mirror. It was written in red, with little hearts on it and a kiss from his wife. 'I'll ring your office and tell them you won't be in today . Breakfast is in the oven. Try to eat something and go back to bed for the morning. There's snooker on TV this afternoon. Take it easy today , hope your eye doesn't hurt too much. See you tonight. I love you, darling! ' He stumbled to the kitchen and sure enough, there was hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the newspaper. His teenaged son was sitting at the table, eating. Steven, bracing himself, asked his son what happened the previous Night. 'Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door. ' Confused, he asked his son, 'So, why is everything in such perfect order, Aspirins by the bed, a nice note from Mum and breakfast waiting for me?' His son replied, 'Oh THAT!... Mum dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your trousers off, you screamed, 'Leave me alone you slapper, I'm married!!' Broken Coffee Table £250 Hot Breakfast £3.50 Two Aspirins 20p Saying the right thing, at the right time...... PRICELESS' 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dirtydiesel Posted November 14, 2009 Report Share Posted November 14, 2009 When Jordan claimed that she was raped by a celebrity, i couldnt for the life of me think who it could be,but after seeing Harvey, my moneys on Clyde of Every which way but loose. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Picola Posted November 14, 2009 Report Share Posted November 14, 2009 What do you call 1000 ni**ers in a fast flowing river?A Blackcurrent 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dirtydiesel Posted November 14, 2009 Report Share Posted November 14, 2009 Three pregnant women are sat in a waiting room at the maternity clinic, all knitting, the first woman stops what she's doing and reaches in to her handbag, pulls out two pills, pops them in to her mouth and continues knitting, the other two women turn to her and say "What were those?" she replies "Vitamen C, they will help my baby defend itself against colds and flu" "Oh, good idea" they reply and continue knitting, the second lady stops what she's doing and reaches in to her handbag, pulls out two pills, pops them in to her mouth and continues knitting, the other two women turn to her and say "What were those?" she replies "Calcium supplements, they will help my baby's bones grow big and stong" "Oh, good idea" they reply and continue knitting,the third woman stops what she's doing and reaches in to her handbag, pulls out two pills, pops them in to her mouth and continues knitting, the other two women turn to her and say "What were those?" "Thalidomide" she says, "WHAT!!!" shout the other two mothers "Why the hell did you take those!?!?""Well," she replies "I can't do sleeves" 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
99hjhm Posted November 14, 2009 Report Share Posted November 14, 2009 What do you call 1000 ni**ers in a fast flowing river?A BlackcurrentOh dear! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Picola Posted November 14, 2009 Report Share Posted November 14, 2009 It made me lol alot, I will just point out im not racist lol Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Picola Posted November 14, 2009 Report Share Posted November 14, 2009 Jock Mctavish was uo in court for buggering his cat. The case was dismissed coz the judge refused to beleive a Scotsman would put anything into the fu**ing kitty 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lupo pete Posted November 19, 2009 Report Share Posted November 19, 2009 One day these 3 friends went hunting in the forest. As they are walking along they are ambushed by a primative tribe. They were all taken back to the camp and one by one tied to three seperate trees.Then the "big chief" comes out of his toupee and stares each guy in the face, he then turns to the tribe and says " Death or Bongo".There is a fierce uproar and the tribe begins to chant " Bongo,Bongo,Bongo!"The chief then turns to the men and asks the first one "Death or bongo?"The first man replys " I dont like the sound of death so it will have to be bongo"So 10 men come out of the tribe and begin to bugger him up the arse!!The chief then turns to the second man and asks the same question.he replys, slightly hesitant through "bongo"so 30 men come and bugger him up the arse!!The third man,who is now quite distressed decided that he would rather die than be subjected to this horrible ordeal.So the chief asks him " Death or Bongo?""death!!" he said "I would rather die then have Bongo!!"The chief then smiled and replyed" so be it, DEATH.........BY BONGO! 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sam bignell Posted December 8, 2009 Report Share Posted December 8, 2009 Had this sent to me at work . . .Tiger Woods Christmas Portrait Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Picola Posted December 8, 2009 Report Share Posted December 8, 2009 What do you get an epileptic Scottish guy for Christmas?A wee fitROR! 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BenLAST Posted December 9, 2009 Report Share Posted December 9, 2009 Jordan went to her local Bently dealers and asked about a customised Bently. She asked, "I would like it customised for Harvey if possible"The salesman replied, "Sure, what flavour would you like the windows?" 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BenLAST Posted December 9, 2009 Report Share Posted December 9, 2009 Jordan told her new boyfriend that whe wants her next wedding to be an 'all white wedding'.Her boyfriend replied, "Good, that little black f*cker scares the **** out of me anyway." 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BenLAST Posted December 9, 2009 Report Share Posted December 9, 2009 (edited) Peter Andre had an interview today for a new job. When asked for qualifications, he replied "Humping slag for 4 years and carrying around a heavy spade." Edited December 9, 2009 by BenLAST 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BenLAST Posted December 9, 2009 Report Share Posted December 9, 2009 A Dustman knocks on a Japanese mans door one morning. The jap says "Harro, wot u want?". The Dustman says "where's 'ya bin?", Jap replies "i bin on loo". "No mate, wheres ya dust bin" says the Dustman, "i dust bin on loo" said the Jap. "No mate, stop f*cking me about, where's ya wheelie bin?". "Hokay, i wheelie bin having a w*nk!" 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lupo pete Posted December 9, 2009 Report Share Posted December 9, 2009 Priest and a nun on a camel in the sahara desertThe camel drops dead leaving them doomed Realising their fate the priest asks the nun to expose her t!tsand she agrees providing he exposes his c*ck they fondle each other and the priestgets an erection.You know if i put this in the right place i can create life said the priest.RIGHT said the nun stick it up the camels arse and lets get the **** out of here! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JoshB&D Posted December 9, 2009 Report Share Posted December 9, 2009 Statistically... 9 out of 10 people enjoy gang rape. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
2001gti Posted December 10, 2009 Report Share Posted December 10, 2009 How do you know when its bedtime in garry glitters house??'When the big hand touches the little hand' Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
polio Posted December 10, 2009 Report Share Posted December 10, 2009 I'm Josef Fritzl and no windows was my idea. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
polio Posted December 10, 2009 Report Share Posted December 10, 2009 (edited) I was just telling my girlfriend how our Rohypnol party was a complete success."What Rohypnol party?" She asked.Exactly. Edited December 10, 2009 by polio 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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