Max69vk Posted March 22, 2007 Report Share Posted March 22, 2007 WORRIED that your teeth will be stained after a heavy night drinking red wine? Simply drink a bottle of white wine before going to bed to remove the stains. DON'T waste money on expensive ipods. Simply think of your favourite tune and hum it. If you want to "switch tracks", simply think of another song you like and hum that instead. RAPPERS. Avoid having to say 'know what I'm sayin' all the time by actually speaking clearly in the first place. MURDERERS Need to dispose of a body? Simply parcel it up and post it to yourself via DHL. You will never see it again. BURGLARS. When fleeing from the police, run with your right arm sticking out at a 90 degree angle, wrapped in a baby mattress, in case they set one of their dogs on you. EMPLOYERS Avoid hiring unlucky people by immediately tossing half the CVs into the bin. MEN When listening to your favourite CD, simply turn up the sound to the volume you desire; then turn it down three notches. This will save your wife from having to do it. BANGING two pistachio nutshells together gives the impression that a very small horse is approaching. BLIND PEOPLE Give yourself at least a chance of seeing something by not wearing heavy dark glasses all the time. ALCOHOL makes an ideal substitute for happiness. PREVENT burglars stealing everything in the house by simply moving everything in the house into your bedroom when you go to bed. In the morning, simply move it all back again. CAR thieves Don't be discouraged when nothing is on view. All the valuables may be hidden in the glove box or under a seat. DEPRESSED people, Instead of attempting suicide as a 'cry for help', simply shout 'Help!' thus saving money on paracetamol, etc. MOTORISTS Avoid getting prosecuted for using your phone whilst driving. Simply pop your mobile inside a large shell and the police will think you are listening to the sea. SHOES last twice as long if only worn every other day. SINGLE men Convince people that you have a girlfriend by standing outside Etam with several bags of shopping, looking at your watch and occasionally glancing inside. BOIL an egg to perfection without costly egg timers by popping the egg into boiling water and driving away from your home at exactly 60mph. After 3 miles, phone your wife and tell her to take the egg out of the pan. ALCOHOLICS don't worry where the next drink is coming from. Go to the pub, where a large selection is available at retail prices. SCI-FI FANS. Create the effect of being abducted by aliens by drinking two bottles of vodka. You'll invariably wake up in a strange place the following morning, having had your memory mysteriously 'erased' Save money on expensive personalised car number plates by simply changing your name to match your existing plate. - Mr. KVL 741Y Don't waste money buying expensive binoculars. Simply stand closer to the object you wish to view Thicken up runny low-fat yoghurt by stirring in a spoonful of lard. DRILL a one inch diameter hole in your refrigerator door. This will allow you to check that the light goes off when the door is closed OLD telephone directories make ideal personal address books. Simply cross out the names and addresses of people you don't know. PEOPLE whose surname is Toblerone should always take along an empty 'Toblerone' chocolate box when attending interviews for office jobs. This would save your potential employer the expense of having to make a name plaque for your desk, and therefore increase your chances of getting the job. Mix tea with coffee, and leave in the fridge to cool. Hey presto! Toffee. BOILED EGGS cut in half vertically, and with the yolk removed, make ideal miniature porcelain-style urinals for hamsters and guinea pigs. SHOPPERS When buying oranges, get more for your money by peeling them before taking them to the counter to be weighed. style="vertical-align:middle" emoid=":lol:" border="0" alt="laugh.gif" /> Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tigz™ Posted March 22, 2007 Report Share Posted March 22, 2007 style="vertical-align:middle" emoid=":lol:" border="0" alt="laugh.gif" /> Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mark Heckels Posted March 22, 2007 Report Share Posted March 22, 2007 I love everyone of those ... brilliantExcept:-BANGING two pistachio nutshells together gives the impression that a very small horse is approaching.I've never been in the situation where I needed to simulate the sound a pigmi horse makes. But if I am ever in that situation going forward, I will know exactly what type of shell to use to recreate that noise.A public service indeed. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
willcrook Posted March 22, 2007 Report Share Posted March 22, 2007 (edited) *Edited morbid comment out* Edited March 22, 2007 by willcrook Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Steffro Posted March 22, 2007 Report Share Posted March 22, 2007 Brilliant that is Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LoopyLing Posted March 22, 2007 Report Share Posted March 22, 2007 Love the advice for Sci Fi fans; i'm not a sci fi fan, but i shall be getting abducted by aliens tonight. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Swoxy Posted March 22, 2007 Report Share Posted March 22, 2007 DEPRESSED people, Instead of attempting suicide as a 'cry for help', simply shout 'Help!' thus saving money on paracetamol, etc. style="vertical-align:middle" emoid=":lol:" border="0" alt="laugh.gif" /> Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lunalupi Posted March 22, 2007 Report Share Posted March 22, 2007 Hehehe, funny style="vertical-align:middle" emoid=":D" border="0" alt="biggrin.gif" /> I like them Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
2001gti Posted March 22, 2007 Report Share Posted March 22, 2007 lol brill style="vertical-align:middle" emoid=":D" border="0" alt="biggrin.gif" /> Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Join the conversation
You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.