one litre wonder ;) Posted January 11, 2007 Report Share Posted January 11, 2007 A woman stopped by unannounced at her son's house. She knocked on the door then immediately walked in. She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law laying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room. What are you doing?" she asked. I'm waiting for John to come home from work," the daughter-in-law answered. "But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed. "This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained. "Love dress? But you're naked!" "John loves me to wear this dress," she explained. "It excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can't get enough of me." The mother-in-law left. When she got home,she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed The lights, put on a romantic CD, laid on the couch waiting for her Husband To arrive. Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her laying there so Provocatively. "What are you doing?" he asked. "This is my love dress," she whispered, sensually. "Needs ironing," he said. "What's for dinner? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Crusoe Posted January 11, 2007 Report Share Posted January 11, 2007 that's really bad and old but i can do better.This bloke is working on the buses and collecting tickets. He rings the bell for the driver to set off when there's a woman half getting on the bus. The driver sets off, the woman falls from the bus and is killed. At the trial the bloke is sent down for murder and seeing as it's Texas he's sent to the electric chair. On the day of his execution he's sat in the chair and the executioner grants him a final wish. "Well" says the man, "is that your packed lunch over there?" "Yes" answers the executioner. "Can I have that green banana?" the man asks. The executioner gives the man his green banana and waits until he's eaten it. When the man's finished, the executioner flips the switch sending hundreds of thousands of volts through the man. When the smoke clears the man is still alive. The executioner can't believe it. Can I go?" the man asks. "I suppose so," says the executioner, "that's never happened before." The man leaves and eventually gets his job back on the buses selling tickets. Again he rings the bell for the driver to go when people are still getting on. A man falls under the wheels and is killed. The bloke is sent down for murder again and sent to the electric chair. The executioner is determined to do it right this time so rigs the chair up to the electric supply for the whole of Texas. The bloke is again sat in the chair. "What is your final wish?" asks the executioner. "Can I have that green banana in your packed lunch?" says the condemned man. The executioner sighs and reluctantly gives up his banana. The bloke eats the banana all up and the executioner flips the switch. Millions of volts course through the chair blacking out Texas. When the smoke clears the man is still there smiling in the chair. The executioner can't believe it and lets the man go. Well, would you believe, the bloke gets his job back on the buses. Once again he rings the bell whilst passengers are still getting on, this time killing three of them. He is sent to the electric chair again. The executioner rigs up all the electricity in America to the chair, determined to get his man this time. The man sits down in the chair smiling."What's your final wish?" asks the executioner. "Well" says the man, "Can I have that green banana out of your packed lunch?" The executioner hands over his banana and the man eats it all, skin included. The executioner then pulls the handle and a zillion million trillion volts go through the chair. When the smoke rises the man is still sat there alive without even a burn mark. "I give up" says the executioner, "I don't understand. How you can still be alive after all that?" He stroked his chin. "It's something to do with that green banana isn't it?" he asked. " Nahh" said the bloke,"I'm just a really bad conductor."Ba-boom Tish! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Philplop Posted January 11, 2007 Report Share Posted January 11, 2007 style="vertical-align:middle" emoid=":lol:" border="0" alt="laugh.gif" /> Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LoopyLing Posted January 11, 2007 Report Share Posted January 11, 2007 crying Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
one litre wonder ;) Posted January 11, 2007 Author Report Share Posted January 11, 2007 style="vertical-align:middle" emoid=":lol:" border="0" alt="laugh.gif" /> oh my god crusoe that was bad style="vertical-align:middle" emoid=":lol:" border="0" alt="laugh.gif" /> Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
xxxxxjenxxxxx Posted January 11, 2007 Report Share Posted January 11, 2007 ... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
big_chris1981 Posted January 12, 2007 Report Share Posted January 12, 2007 More! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Igor Posted January 12, 2007 Report Share Posted January 12, 2007 A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the barman who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face close to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his beard which is full and bushy. "Are you the landlord?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands. "Actually, no" he replies. "Can you get him for me - I need to speak to him?" she asks, running her hands up beyond his beard and into his hair. "Im afraid I cant" breathes the barman - clearly aroused. "Is there anything I can do?" "Yes there is. I need you to give him a message" she continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently. "Tell him that there is no loo paper in the ladies." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
one litre wonder ;) Posted January 12, 2007 Author Report Share Posted January 12, 2007 oh dear god now that one is bad Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Igor Posted January 14, 2007 Report Share Posted January 14, 2007 An 80-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up. The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and the 80-year-old said, "Things are great and I've never felt better. I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. So what do you think about that?" The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began. "I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season. One day when he was setting off hunting, he was in a bit of a hurry and accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun. As he neared a lake he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water's edge. He realized he'd left his gun at home and so couldn't shoot the magnificent creature but out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it at the animal as if it were his favorite hunting rifle and went 'bang, bang'. "Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead. Now, what do you think of that?" asked the doctor. The 80-year-old said, "If you ask me, I'd say somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver." The doctor replied, "My point exactly." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
one litre wonder ;) Posted January 14, 2007 Author Report Share Posted January 14, 2007 style="vertical-align:middle" emoid=":lol:" border="0" alt="laugh.gif" /> style="vertical-align:middle" emoid=":lol:" border="0" alt="laugh.gif" /> style="vertical-align:middle" emoid=":lol:" border="0" alt="laugh.gif" /> style="vertical-align:middle" emoid=":lol:" border="0" alt="laugh.gif" /> Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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